veena malik

“The word ‘impossible’ does not exist for me.”

Threatened by the Taliban, threatened by Osama bin Laden, called “the toast of liberal Pakistan” & the “poster girl for free speech & expression.” Actress, model, comic (she hosted Pakistani satire taken off TV by unamused Musharraf regime), social activist, mouthy broad.

Popularized character of Miss Dunya on Pakistani TV.  Appearance on Indian reality show Bigg Boss caused sensation in Pakistan (made it to week 12), followed by now-legendary smackdown of mullah accusing her of immorality.

Former girlfriend of cricketeer Mohammad Asif, banned from sport as part of Salman Butt game-fixing scandal. Worked with WHO in Pakistan in anti-polio drive.

On her inspirations: “My biggest inspiration is my father, who was a very brave army man. In fashion industry, I’m very much inspired with Madonna & Victoria Beckham.”

On fame: “Publicity is publicity. There’s nothing good or bad about it.”

Greatest extravagance: Shoes.”

Most overrated virtue: “Modesty.”

On threats from fundies: “I am not a coward & can’t act like one. I hail from an army family & bravery is in my blood.”

Alternate career: “A spy.”

Most identifies with: “Mona Lisa”

Up next: Pakistani Big Brother?  Veena vs the mullah remix

wallflowers for gaddafi

Gimme a G! No, wait, it’s a Q! Or is it a K? Is there a f*cking dictionary in the house??

Totally spontaneous cheerleading for the Colonel by lubricious, scandalously clad Gaddafi groupies during Potemkin press junket by regime handlers to show good-natured Gaddafi mania sweeping the country

aisha goes to war

Does this flag make me look fat? (Also pictured: possible stiff Khamis Gaddafi)

Look out Madame Defarge, the Colonel has unleashed his secret weapon in the person of psycho-cutie daughter ‘Doctor’ Aisha Gaddafi. As top officials of the Gaddafi regime defected like, well, rats, Aisha hit the streets to rally Gaddafi’s troops: “Before he is a great man & a leader, he is also my father, my friend & my brother [sic].”

Aisha, a ‘lawyer’ with a side business defending mass murderers, was said to be spurred by the death of her younger brother Khamis, reportedly killed by a Gaddafi pilot in a kamikaze attack on the Gaddafi compound.  Khamis was one of Gaddafi’s more brutal spawn, heading up the regime’s most feared paramilitary brigade.

This week the regime released a video purportedly proving that Khamis was still alive, but Hillary Clinton isn’t sure.  (Perhaps Khamis has a double, like Uday Hussein.) With the regime’s top officials getting handlers to prevent them from defecting, Hillary’s boss Obama announced he’d signed a “secret” order authorizing “secret” aid to Libyan rebelsShhhhh!!

See also Cyanide Blonde

the real housewives of syria

 

Don’t hate me because I’m pretty

Asma Al-Assad looked out the window of her fashionable bunker in Damascus, & things were not well. The subjects were unruly. It might end badly. She recalled her youth in England, before she decided to go find a tin-pot dictator to marry & live happy ever after in a totalitarian hellhole.

She went to her mile-long closet, befitting the subject of a gushing puff piece in Vogue that some considered to be fascist journalism, & slipped into her favorite Christian Louboutin platformsAhhhh.

If only her father-in-law were still alive.  In 1982, he put down the Hama Uprising by massacring  17,000 troublemakers, something the Arab League & the UN tastefully said not a peep about . Asma loved her own husband, but he was rather dull.

She thought about calling her fashionable friend Aisha Gaddafi, but Aisha had troubles of her own, & frankly she was a bit of a nut job. She called her dull husband instead.

“Darling,” she said, “remind me again how much of the vote you got for President.”  “97%,” he replied.  “And the other 3%?” she said, glancing uneasily out the window. “They’ve been taken care of,” he said.

“Oh goody,” she sighed, “because for a moment I could have sworn this whole shithole wants us DEAD.”

don’t cry for me, tripoli

Via It’s Complicated, this video of ‘Doctor’ Aisha Gaddafi assuring her fans that despite her botched escape to Malta, she’s staying in Libya.  That’s a good plan, as she’s under a UN travel ban & Interpol alert & can’t go anywhere anyhow.  Even worse, she’s been dumped as a UN Goodwill Ambassador & Messenger of Peace, a position she clocked by praising IRA bombers & defending mass murderer Saddam Hussein.

No word on who the UN will get to replace Aisha.  Perhaps superbitch & serial assaulter Naomi Campbell, who’s interned as a Goodwill Ambassador for Rio. If she’s too busy doing community service, how about Raghad Hussein, aka Dracula’s Daughter, last seen hitting the boutiques & having a tummy tuck in Jordan to avoid an Interpol arrest warrant.

separated at birth: saif gaddafi & uday hussein?

Chips off the old block
Favorite pet: pair of Bengal tigers, Freddo & Barney Kept lions & cheetahs in private zoo; sometimes fed rivals to carnivores
Ladykiller: prefers blondes, snogged Israeli actress Orly Weinerman Serial rapist / murderer
Purloined wealth:
London classmate on Saif’s parties:
“It was opulence on a scale I’d never seen, a modern-day reincarnation of Plato’s Symposium made possible by a bottomless well of North African oil.”
Private compound was “city-within-a-city complete with 6-lane highways & a zoo featuring lions, cheetahs & bear. Uday’s house had reams of pornography, boxes of sexual fortifiers, rooms of fine wines & liquors & Cuban cigars with his name on the wrappers.”

Wheels: Swanned around London & Vienna in chauffeured Bentley
Drove Lamborghini LM002, given him by Colonel Gaddafi, later cheerfully blown up by US forces. Also kept Rolls Royce Corniche
Friends in high places: Jorg Haider, Prince Andrew, Tony Blair
Butcher of Baghdad, Colonel Gaddafi
Nickname: Gaddafi Lite “Ace of Hearts”in US military’s most wanted list
Quotable: “If we do not agree on reforms [sic] … rivers of blood will run through Libya … We will take up arms … we will fight to the last bullet. We will destroy seditious elements.” “It is difficult being in the family of Hussein. People want to kill us.”
Thesis: “Role of Civil Society in the Democratisation of Global Governance Blah Blah Blah” perhaps ghost-written & facing charges of plagiarism “Iraqi Military Strategy During the Eight-year Iran-Iraq War,” probably ghost-written by the military strategist Mohammed el-Dury
Business: Headed Gaddafi Intl Foundation, whose association with London School of Economics was cause for embarrassment, & whose ‘charitable’ warship to Gaza was blocked by Israel Ran vast smuggling empire (oil, cigarettes, booze),  headed TV & radio stations, chairman of the board of 7 newspapers, owned  night-club as cover to import Russian call-girls for his  pleasure

the gaddafi makeover

The miracle of cosmetic surgery: the Colonel before & after

A Brazilian doctor reveals the secret of Gaddafi’s perpetual youth: plastic surgery. Liacyr Ribeiro, whose ‘success’ stories also include Silvio Berlusconi, did the Colonel in 1995 along with a specialist in hair implants at Gaddafi’s bunker in Tripoli:

“I wanted to leave Gaddafi’s face looking very smooth in 1995. He [Gaddafi] said he had been in power for several years [sic!] & that he didn’t want young people to see him as old. Although well bred & intelligent, Gaddafi to me seemed introverted, timid & cold.”

According to the article, “the procedure involved fat being removed from Gaddafi’s belly & injected into the wrinkles in his cheeks. His eyelids were then made to look better & a scar on the right side of his forehead was covered up.”  The miracle of science! We predict that superstars of a certain age will soon be stampeding to Rio for the full Gaddafi!

See also O brasileiro que operou KhadafiHat tip to William in Chile

the web that ate the classics

The writers’ life: YouTube drag icons Dorothy Parker & Lillian Hellman

Balzac wrote in a locked room, swilling cups of French coffee you could stand a spoon in.  Coleridge treated the “indescribable terror” of writing with opium, Fitzgerald with alcohol. But none of them had to contend with the greatest productivity-sucker of all time: the Internet.  Had it been around earlier, many famous writers would have seen their energies disappear down the fatally entertaining warrens of the World Wide Web:

Jane Austen frittered away her talent addicted to Farmville, cynically friending relatives, acquaintances, & total strangers not because she gave a crap about them, but in order to obtain points & ‘neighbors’ that would stop by her ‘farm’ & leave a ‘truffle’ for her ‘pig.’  Died novel-less & alone.

The  sisters Bronte completed no books, too engrossed in ‘research’ on eharmony, using an elaborate number of aliases & decades-old photos in an unsuccessful search for soul-mates. Typical fluff: “’Eglatine’: Seeks swarthy, brooding Bryonic stud-muffin for pleasantries on the blasted heath, long passionate nights of holly-scroggling, Pictionary, & online bridge.  No phreaks or flamers please.”

Oscar Wilde squandered his wit on Perez Hilton.com, Boys of the Barrio, & compulsively googling in search of an answer to that eternal question: What did Lady Gaga do today?

Tolstoy finished no novels, too busy gaining a reputation on various blogs as a world-class bore for his novel-length comments & insistence on having the last word.

Ernest Hemingway managed a few pieces for Huffington Post, but otherwise could not work for five seconds without finding himself on sites like I Am 18!, Bang My Stepmom, For Whom the Butt Plugs, etc. Suffered financial difficulties due to recurring credit card charges on Russian porn sites.

Virginia Woolf wasted thousands of hours on her Blackberry trying to best her scores on online solitaire & matching medical symptoms to possible worst case scenario illnesses.

Lewis Carroll had no time to write, entangled in legal difficulties due to his online indiscretions. Retired to Thailand.

Emily Dickinson rarely left her room but wrote the Bun Legion Home Guide to World of Warcraft, where as ‘Valtrexa’, had 80 Night Elf Worrier & 80 Dwarf Slag Hunter, & taught many young izzards the art of quad slicing.

Edith Wharton was simply too busy dictating Tweets to her secretary, using her Twitter name MS_edieology:  “Guess who’s drunk!  Soy loco por los corn nuts!  Packed regrets n all tht SHEET.”

Dorothy Parker’s drunken bitter rants on YouTube earned her a large gay following, though most fans assumed ‘Dot’ was a particularly heinous drag queen. Sometimes appeared with fellow drunk ‘Hell’ aka Lillian Hellman, whose sole writing accomplishment consisted of endless scrubbing of Wikipedia articles critical of Uncle Joe Stalin.

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