The writers’ life: YouTube drag icons Dorothy Parker & Lillian Hellman
Balzac wrote in a locked room, swilling cups of French coffee you could stand a spoon in. Coleridge treated the “indescribable terror” of writing with opium, Fitzgerald with alcohol. But none of them had to contend with the greatest productivity-sucker of all time: the Internet. Had it been around earlier, many famous writers would have seen their energies disappear down the fatally entertaining warrens of the World Wide Web:
Jane Austen frittered away her talent addicted to Farmville, cynically friending relatives, acquaintances, & total strangers not because she gave a crap about them, but in order to obtain points & ‘neighbors’ that would stop by her ‘farm’ & leave a ‘truffle’ for her ‘pig.’ Died novel-less & alone.
The sisters Bronte completed no books, too engrossed in ‘research’ on eharmony, using an elaborate number of aliases & decades-old photos in an unsuccessful search for soul-mates. Typical fluff: “’Eglatine’: Seeks swarthy, brooding Bryonic stud-muffin for pleasantries on the blasted heath, long passionate nights of holly-scroggling, Pictionary, & online bridge. No phreaks or flamers please.”
Oscar Wilde squandered his wit on Perez Hilton.com, Boys of the Barrio, & compulsively googling in search of an answer to that eternal question: What did Lady Gaga do today?
Tolstoy finished no novels, too busy gaining a reputation on various blogs as a world-class bore for his novel-length comments & insistence on having the last word.
Ernest Hemingway managed a few pieces for Huffington Post, but otherwise could not work for five seconds without finding himself on sites like I Am 18!, Bang My Stepmom, For Whom the Butt Plugs, etc. Suffered financial difficulties due to recurring credit card charges on Russian porn sites.
Virginia Woolf wasted thousands of hours on her Blackberry trying to best her scores on online solitaire & matching medical symptoms to possible worst case scenario illnesses.
Lewis Carroll had no time to write, entangled in legal difficulties due to his online indiscretions. Retired to Thailand.
Emily Dickinson rarely left her room but wrote the Bun Legion Home Guide to World of Warcraft, where as ‘Valtrexa’, had 80 Night Elf Worrier & 80 Dwarf Slag Hunter, & taught many young izzards the art of quad slicing.
Edith Wharton was simply too busy dictating Tweets to her secretary, using her Twitter name MS_edieology: “Guess who’s drunk! Soy loco por los corn nuts! Packed regrets n all tht SHEET.”
Dorothy Parker’s drunken bitter rants on YouTube earned her a large gay following, though most fans assumed ‘Dot’ was a particularly heinous drag queen. Sometimes appeared with fellow drunk ‘Hell’ aka Lillian Hellman, whose sole writing accomplishment consisted of endless scrubbing of Wikipedia articles critical of Uncle Joe Stalin.