haus gaddafi: cue credits & fade out

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We didn’t need democracy; we had faces!

A desperate Colonel Gaddafi, sounding & looking increasingly like Norma Desmond, again blamed the uprising on drug-pushing Islamists brainwashing Libyan youth.   As the stage is set for the Battle of Tripoli, details emerged about the ongoing uprising, in which protesters used a Muslim dating site to bypass Libya’s secret police, under lubricious code names like “Opener of the Mountain,” “Girl of the Desert” & “Melody of Torture” (?)

Fidel Castro, who must be watching events in Libya with a cold sweat:  “The worst [injustice] at this instant would be to keep silent before the crime that NATO is preparing to commit against the Libyan people.” (Hugo Chavez, on the other hand, is uncharacteristically silent…)

Libya’s UN Ambassador: “Please United Nations, save Libya.”  Rebel leader:  “We have a plan to bring down Tripoli. ”

Son Seif, he of the forked tongue, told foreign journalists that Libya was battling terrorism & that he “hoped that a negotiated ceasefire could be in place by Saturday.”  The same Seif, talking to Turkish TV, declared his family has no plans for leaving: “Plan A is to live & die in Libya. Plan B is to live & die in Libya. Plan C is to live & die in Libya.”  Bonus: You too can rent Seif’s white-plush London bachelor pad for $15,000 a week!

Former Justice Minister on the likelihood of Gaddafi using chemical & biological weapons when cornered:  ” I think Ghadafi will burn everything left behind him.”  Gaddafi himself warns “When needed, all the weapons stores will be opened … Libya will become a fire.”

Citizen of Benghazi: “We need help. We need help from America. We need help from Europe, because the people at the streets, we don’t have planes to fight. We don’t have guns to fight. We fight just by sticks or stones … ” The Battle of Benghazi: how bricks & bulldozers defeated Gaddafi’s stormtroopers

Photo essay: Libya in upheaval.  Gaddafi couture: Oh Colonel, you look mahvelous! Also: the world’s most fashionable tyrant

UPDATE:  With his assets frozen by the US, Englandthe EU, & Switzerland, Gaddafi is now being deserted even by his voluptuous Ukrainian nurse

the fall of haus gaddafi

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Haus Gaddafi: (clockwise from top) Hannibal, Aisha, Aline, Saadi, & Seif

The rats are jumping ship: cyanide blonde Aisha Gaddafi tries to flee to Malta, while Aline Skaf, scary “model” & wife of drunken thug Hannibal Gaddafi, tries to escape to Lebanon. Meanwhile, worthless soccer wannabe Saadi Gaddafi assures us that the Colonel will hang on as “the big father who advises“.  Saadi also mentions “new blood”; not sure if this is what he’s referring to.

Son Seif promised the protesters civil war, but may soon be heading for his $10 million mansion in Hampstead to avoid the fate of Uday & Whozzit Hussein. (Seif is already in a civil war with his brothers.)

The still-lucid Colonel appeared on on-again-off-again Libyan TV yesterday, blaming the uprising on, variously, drugs,  Al-Jazeera, Al Qaeda, & the CIA, declaring “I am supported by millions & God!”

As House Gaddafi  loses control of vast areas of the country & the army no longer reliable, Gaddafi has called in mercenaries from nearby thug states to prop up his tottering banana republic. (Perhaps he’ll ready his pistol packing Amazonian guard.)

For the Gaddafi kids & their purloined billlions, partying with Beyonce, Mariah Carey, & Enrique Iglesias may be over, now that their father’s crimes have earned him not just suspension from the Arab League, a thumbs down from Hamas, but a fatwa.

Finally, Hillary Clinton is siccing the UN Human Rights Council on the Colonel, who’s probably not too worried, since Libya infamously headed the very same commission just a few years ago.

See also Cyanide Blonde; Gangster Chic ; VIDEO: Gaddafi Family Feud

it must be huckabee!

Can a rock star be president? Mike Huckabee says YEAH! The former Arkansas governor  is stoked on polls showing him leading the pack for 2012, & has the perfect platform: Fox’s electrifying Huckabee Show, which showcases his many talents:  comic, preacher, pundit, & rock-n-roll animal.

Huckabee has cleverly chosen to eschew the fickle youth  vote so as to zero in on the crucial AARP demographic with a dazzling line-up of ‘seasoned’ guest stars: Tony Orlando! John Schneider! Bob Barker! Meat Loaf! Tanya Tucker! Rick Springfield! Did I mention Tony Orlando?

Sources suggest that Huckabee is using his show to audition possible running mates. Our suggestions:

Neil Sedaka: a perennial favorite on the Huckabee Show, Sedaka as VP would beg the question: can a ticket have TOO MUCH testosterone?

Vicki Carr: a killer choice  that would send the over-55-Hispanic demographic stampeding to the voting booths. Bonus: Carr’s million-selling 1967 hit single would give Huckabee a killer campaign slogan:  “It Must Be Him“.

Marvin Hamlisch: the Florida retirement crowd would go verklempt over the composer of the hit song “The Entertainer.”  Bonus: Would assuage Hebrew anxiety over Huckabee’s evangelical roots, & could jam with Huckabee’s rock band Capitol Offense.

Hope Brady from Days of Our Lives:  this is not actually a real person, but then neither is Al Franken if you think about it. If Huck picks Kristian Alfonso, who’s played Hope forEVER, she could be the next Sarah Palin!  (Is there room for two??) Alternative: Gloria Loring, superstar singer who also played Liz Chandler on Days

Richard Simmons: the excitable exercise diva could keep former fatty Huckabee trim. Bonus: the homosexuals would be happy, & he would make Huck look like Vin Diesel.

Juice Newton: ENOUGH SAID!

Agnetha Faltskog: Not a household name, but “Huckabee/the-blonde-from-ABBA” is a ticket everyone can get behind (especially all those Swedes in the upper Midwest)

Chuck Norris: on second thought, invert the ticket, & then I’ll vote for him

Cross posted at RightNetwork

the real housewives of buffalo trout

MONA: “People have always liked me for the wrong reasons.”

Mona, a house-flipper / dog walker, lives on an expensive stretch of Road 29 with her second husband, Bug, & their three daughters, June, Starla & Ashleigh.  Together they have managed a string of failed businesses: a drive-thru psychic, a pipe-cleaner company, & the Big Thicket Corn Maze.   Enemies with housewife Prell since she got Prell’s daughter disqualified from Junior Miss Rickets Awareness Beauty Pageant for sewing pinto beans into lining of the girl’s training bra, throwing the crown to Starla.

“To people who say I’ve got it all: guilty as charged! They never believe me when I tell them I haven’t had any work done. I think the secret of my success is just not taking ‘No’ for an — Ashleigh, I’m not going to tell you again!! Anyway, my daddy always said, Mona June, just because you’re better than others doesn’t mean you have to lord it over them.  I deserve the best, & Bug may call that greed, but I call it — ASHLEIGH! One! Two! Two and a half! Don’t make Mommy get the Stun Master out!”

hit me with that pity stick

If you’re a world leader or wannabe & want to peacock your pathos, the hottest trend is apologizing for things you didn’t do to people who no longer exist. Whether you’re a grotesque serial philanderer, a megalomaniac president for life, or just an associate professor light-years out of your league, you too will be a chick magnet when you hit the floor with the regret rumba:

Gaddafi apologizes for 1500 year old Arab slave trade

Pope John Paul II apologizes for sacking of Constantinople

Italy apologize$ to Libya for colonialism

Clinton apologizes for Western slave trade

Obama apologizes for Hiroshima & America’s bad attitude

Portugal apologizes for 500 year old expulsion of Jews

Turkey refuses to apologize for Armenian genocide

Clinton apologizes for Hawaiian revolution of 1893

Pope John Paul II apologizes for 2000 years of Jewish persecution

Jesse Jackson calls for UK apology & reparation$ for slavery

Christian leaders apologize for any Christians who were ever mean to Muslims

US Senate apologizes to American Indians

Japanese porn star offers sex as apology for 1937 invasion of China

See also The Perfect Apology

maghreb courant

Desert chic: the latest from Rabia Ben Barka, Libya’s “ambassador of fashion.” Ben Barka’s wealthy family was previously stripped of all assets when Gaddafi seized power in 1969 & confiscated ‘nationalized’ all their holdings.  Now Ben Barka is the favorite Libyan designer of the Colonel’s girly-girl daughter, cyanide blonde Aisha Gaddafi

we get letters

Dear Jeff, We reviewed your audition for the new reality show Be Lady Gaga’s BFF, & got quite a laugh. For one thing, you don’t even tweet! You’ve also referred to her gaypal,  Perez Hilton, as a fat troll. HE IS NOT FAT! Even worse, you’ve referred to Lady G’s “self-reverential fabulosity” as “dull“. F*CK YOU! We suggest you stick to pop music of your own era, like the Song of Solomon. We do, however, have another new show that’s VERY interested in you. It’s called Be Carrot Top’s FB. Should this interest you, please fill out the waiver for infectious diseases form & return it. Cheers.

See also Panty Creamer of the Day

cyanide blonde

The Colonel’s little girl

Married matron ‘Doctor’ Aisha Gaddafi took time out from making potato salad & Rice Krispy treats to  grant an interview from her walled fortress in Tripoli.  Back in the day, when other girls were squealing over N’Sync & the Backstreet Boys, Aisha was gushing over IRA bombers & the Butcher of Baghdad, & hasn’t lost her acidic charm since marrying her cousin.

Best thing the Colonel taught her: “The importance of being modest.”

On being  a Saddam Hussein groupie: “For me it was quite normal, he was the president & elected by his own people.”  (100% of the people!)

On Hussein being a mass murderer: “You are bound to meet people who may be against your policies.”

On Libya’s absence of human rights: “Those criticisms are completely groundless.” [Amnesty International disagrees]

On Reagan: “That is the route of Allah, he went crazy & got Alzheimer’s. That is his punishment.”

On whether Libya should pay compensation for bankrolling IRA terror: “Libya is not some big saving box from which everyone can take money from.”  (cf Italy pays reparations to Libya, as well as Aisha getting handouts from Obama)

On her mission in life: “I feel duty bound to defend anyone wrongly accused.”

Compare that statement to this delicious account of Aisha descending like a harpy on the Swiss hotel where her debauched brother Hannibal had been arrested for taking time out from beating his pregnant girlfriend to assault the servants:

“Aisha Gaddafi stormed into the air-conditioned lobby, her eyes flashing in anger, her dyed blonde hair concealed by a black headscarf. Aisha promptly launched into a tirade. The arrest, she said, was “illegal, racist & anti-Arab,” especially as her brother is the son of Moammar Gadhafi, the man who defied colonialism. She ended her press conference with the words: “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Whoever began the dispute is in the wrong!”

See also Aisha Gaddafi Q & A

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